Here Goes Nothin`!
I realized that I haven`t really written in this thing honestly for a while now. I used to write all my feelin`z in it... I used to be more open to more people... now I`m a closed in FREAK who hides emotions from EVERYONE, includin` myself. I don`t feel as free in xanga... so I`m here for today. Plus... in xanga... I can`t even cuss and it`z somethin` I wanna do right now.... no matter how much cussin` is gay.

FUCK....!!! I`m so freakin` tired of all the shit that goes around and around in my world! Somethin`z are jus HORRIBLE... I don`t need them reoccurring in my life. Maybe... I was wrong the whole time for the past 6 years. I`m so freakin` tired of all this crap! I can`t get away from it! What is it with BOYS? Or maybe... what is it with ME?! Maybe all guys are the fockin` same.... so it`z me that has to learn to deal... what a piece of shit this is. I`m so tired... I need to get away from all of this. No matter who it is on the other end of the line... what comes through to my end is the FUCKIN` SAME!!! To tell YOU honestly, I`ve heard all this before!! I`ve been through all of this before!! I`m so tired of this shhhiiiiiiitttttttt.

I KNOW I need to look to God for strength. I KNOW that I need more faith in what is happenin` to me... but this hurts SO FOCKIN` MUCH! I KNOW it`z wrong to think that I could fix this crap better or faster than God... I know all of this....... but knowin` and believin`.. and trustin` doesn`t ease my heart. Yea, the pain is temporary... my whole life is only temporary..... but.... I`m not satisfied. NOT IN THE LEAST. I`m angry. And I don`t care. My heart is BRUISED from all the beatin`z....... screw you...... screw this repetition in my fuckin` life..... I have to go through the same shit... WELL FINE!! I don`t fuckin` care.... be that way.... I can go through all of this crap.. the crap that makes me feel lower than dirt... used....... and PATHETIC...... PATHETIC!!! ARRRRGGGGGGG.... fuck you!